


Catch My Breath

by AuroraLynne, Sourlander



Series: Unknown Limits [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 10:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8441797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraLynne/pseuds/AuroraLynne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander
Summary: Nataleeh Kafr and Meelan Bendar meet at a ball and there is only one person standing in their way: Hux. “Would you like to dance?”, Armitage asked and Nataleeh felt the sarcastic smile already on her lips, but she suppressed it as best she could.“Actually,” she said, “Meelan just asked me for the next dance.” She used the first name on purpose, just to aggravate Armitage even further and it worked. She saw with a certain sense of satisfaction that he narrowed his eyes and looked back at Bendar, who was staring at Nataleeh with a confused expression on his face.Before either Armitage or Bendar could say anything else, she grabbed Bendar by the arm, pulling him towards the dance floor and leaving Armitage just standing there. She felt his eyes on her the entire time.





	1. Catch My Breath

**Author's Note:**

> This story belongs to the Unknown Limits Universe, just so you're not confused :-D It is set right before "The Pilot", but you don't have to read it necessarily.
> 
> The drawings in here were all made by my wonderful friend AuroraLynne, whose input inspired most of the characters here, especially Nataleeh! Isn't she great?! Look at all the detail!! Her drawings actually made these stories happen!! Thank you so much!!!
> 
> I'd also like to thank my friend Flausengut for being my beta once again!

#  **Catch My Breath**

 

One last time she turned to look at herself in the glass mirroring the inside of the corridor. The dark blue dress with its thousands of gems embroidered into the light material, fit her perfectly, but still she couldn’t quite believe that her father had given it to her. Of course the occasion and his rank he held within the First Order required him to make a proper impression, but this dress was incredibly extravagant, even for their position.

            “Nataleeh...” Ettalia Kafr took her by the arm, shaking her head in disapproval. “Stop staring at your own reflection all the time.”

            Sighing, Nataleeh nodded. She already knew everything her mother could possibly tell her about appearance and conduct. She had gotten used to her mother’s reprimands. “I know, mother,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

Her mother, her green eyes looking her daughter up and down, nodded slightly. “Come on, we don’t want to be late. Not today.”

Nataleeh glanced at her father, who was standing a few feet away from them, his dress uniform spotless and perfect in every sense. He was smiling and Nataleeh couldn’t help herself but return the smile. He knew as well as Nataleeh did that her mother wanted _her_ to make a good impression most of all. Today, on the Emperor’s birthday, all the First Order’s most high ranking officers would be present for the celebration marking Sheev Palpatine’s birthday, and Ettalia wanted her daughter to meet most of them. At twenty-seven, she thought, Nataleeh was becoming an old maid. Nataleeh had never attended the Academy, but she felt like what she did was benefiting the Order and that was important to her more than anything else.

Together they approached the door, which was guarded by Stormtroopers in highly polished armour. At a slight nod from Yoann, one of the guards opened the doors with the push of a button. Before they could step into the room however, they heard steps approaching them from another corridor. Nataleeh turned around and at the sight of the man now stepping towards them, she felt her heart sink.

General Armitage Hux, his red hair perfectly arranged and his green eyes sternly fixed on her father, approached them with a slight smile on his lips, which didn’t really reach his eyes. “General Kafr...” he said with a minimal nod in her father’s direction.

“Hux...” Yoann shook Hux’ hand and then, letting go of it, turned to his wife and daughter. “You remember my wife Ettalia and my daughter Nataleeh?” With a grim smile Nataleeh thought that Hux was not very likely to forget.

“Of course!” Armitage said, before turning to her mother. “Mrs Kafr, how splendid to see you.”

Ettalia stretched out a hand towards him and Nataleeh felt a shiver run down her spine. Her mother had always been particularly fond of the young General, who had visited their family estate several times. Armitage took her hand and breathed a kiss on the back of it, before turning to Nataleeh.

As their eyes met, Nataleeh felt her heart skip a beat. Their last encounter hadn’t gone the way her mother, or even her father for that matter, had hoped it would. “Nataleeh.” His face was completely impassive, though she felt the firm grip of his hand, as he took it and kissed her hand as well. “You look wonderful.”

Her cheeks grew hot. This was wrong, she thought angrily. Absolutely wrong! She didn’t want him to think she was pleased about him taking her hand like this. “Thank you, Armitage” she said quietly and turned to her mother, who had taken her father’s arm.

“Shall we?” Armitage asked, offering her his arm in turn.

She took it hesitantly. What other choice did she have? At least this was not another offer of marriage on his part. His arm felt firm under her hand and she had to look up at him. “You look well,” she said, hoping beyond hope that he wouldn’t read anything into this remark. “I take it your project is going well?”

He nodded curtly. “Very well. Thank you. I hear you started teaching classes at the Art Academy on Lehon?”

So he had been keeping track of her? At least to some extent. It didn’t entirely surprise her, though she would’ve hoped that he had forgotten about her. She nodded slowly. “I have,” she said as they entered the room. Nataleeh’s eyes wandered over the crowd of officers and their partners already assembled. She immediately spotted a couple of her old school friends in their beautiful dresses and a couple of them even in dress uniforms. A few of them spotted her at Armitage’s side and Nataleeh immediately started wondering whether her mother had arranged for Armitage to arrive at this precise moment. When she had been seven years old, he had visited their estate with his father and she had absolutely adored him. He had been thirteen then and couldn’t have cared less about the little girl who kept following him around. Nataleeh couldn’t even say what it had been that had intrigued her about him, but when they had met, years later, things had been different. He had visited an exhibition at the Art Academy, where she had just started studying. He had been charming to her then and she hadn’t been entirely able to stop herself from blushing around him. He had just been promoted to Colonel, and back then he hadn’t been as arrogant as he was about to become in later years. On the contrary, he had been focused entirely on her and it hadn’t taken them particularly long to get to know each other more closely. Of course, due to his duties with the Order he hadn’t been able to spend a lot of time with her and they only managed to meet occasionally. Over the years, as they grew closer and further apart at the same time, things changed. And then he had proposed, roughly two years ago, and she had turned him down without needing to think about it. He had become too focused on himself. Too arrogant. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to stand living with him for the rest of her life. And that had been it. The end of their relationship.

Nataleeh had never told her parents about it. Of course his father had known that she and Armitage were on first name terms and he had known about Armitage‘s plans to propose to her, but the kisses and secret encounters in her quarters at Lehon Art Academy or in other places, had been a well kept secret between her and Armitage.

Of course, that only complicated things between them now and Nataleeh was glad, that she didn’t meet him all too often nowadays. She’d get through this evening as well.

“How have you been?” This conversation was going nowhere. She only wanted it to be over. As soon as possible.

“Fine, thank you.” She didn’t even _want_ to talk to him about her work. About her students.

As they walked towards the table designated for the Kafrs and a couple of other well known families in the Order, Nataleeh thought about how long this evening would be and whether she’d be able to excuse herself after the banquet. Probably not.

 

She only remained seated for as long as she had to. Smalltalk with Armitage had been excruciating, especially since she couldn’t shake the feeling that he still had some hopes concerning her. She didn’t want him and that was that. Why couldn’t he take _no_ for an answer and why in the name of all the stars did he even have to propose after she hadn’t told him once during their years together that she’d want to get married to him?

            “Excuse me,” she said quietly, as Armitage turned towards her. The band had started playing a couple of minutes ago, and she was dreading him asking her for a dance. “I saw some friends I haven’t talked to in a while.” With a barely visible smile, she got up and ignored her mother’s stare, as she made her way towards a couple of women her age she hadn’t met in what felt like years. The greetings were cordial, but nothing more. Of course she had heard about various weddings and the odd promotion here and there. Some of them had joined the Military Academy after all. The conversation, she had interrupted with her appearance was dull, but infinitely easier to stand than a dance with Armitage Hux. She shivered at the thought of his hand on her waist, though she felt like tonight she could give in to temptation. But not necessarily with Armitage. Those times were over. She was only glad that none of her parents knew of her physical relationship with the General.

            “Nataleeh!” said one of the women, a brunette with freckles across the bridge of her hooked nose, whose name Nataleeh had forgotten years ago. Nataleeh only remembered that she had gone to the same school as her, but that was about it. “Where’s your beau?”

            Nataleeh smiled without really meaning it. “I don’t have one.” She immediately spotted the ring on the woman’s finger. So she was married and obviously wanted to talk about her obviously perfect-in-every-way husband. “Should I?”

            “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry! I just thought that by now there had to be someone, right?” The woman smiled brightly, though her eyes glistened with something like malice. Nataleeh knew only too well why she steered clear of these kinds of parties if she could avoid them.

            “You’re sitting with General Hux?” Jina, a blonde thing, who had more bosom than brain, brushed her hair out of her face and Nataleeh only barely suppressed an eye roll. “I heard you two knew each other.”

            Nataleeh narrowed her eyes. How much did Jina really know? How much _could_ she know? Armitage and she had been as careful as possible, though of course someone might have seen him slip out of her room in the early hours of the morning at some point. “Not really, no,” Nataleeh said with a short wave of her hand.

            “So you wouldn’t be able to introduce me?”

            Raising an eyebrow Nataleeh looked the woman up and down. They had been playmates when they were children. Her father was rather high up in the Order’s administration, but had only joined the Order officially five years after the Battle of Jakku. The only reason he had been promoted as quickly as he had, was because the Order had been desperate for personnel. Shrugging, Nataleeh took a glass from the tray a passing service droid was carrying and took a sip of champagne. The slightly sour, and yet earthy taste on her tongue made her smile. “I might be able to do that, if you want.” She wouldn’t, of course. General Armitage Hux might not be the type of man she wanted to get married to, but she knew that he’d do great things for the First Order, and he couldn’t use a stupid girl like Jina at his side. He needed someone clever. Someone who could boost his confidence in a way that Jina never could. Anyone else would not be helping the Order by marrying him.

            As Jina opened her mouth to speak again, Nataleeh spotted her father waving at her from across the room. Nataleeh quickly excused herself, glad to be able to get away from Jina’s prying questions about Armitage, which she was surely about to ask, and made her way, past the dance floor, over to her father. On approaching him, she realized that he was standing next to a man Nataleeh had never seen before and she immediately wished she were back with the women she had been so glad to leave only a few moments ago. Why wouldn’t her father just give up and leave her alone? This evening was going badly. Very badly indeed. But still she managed a smile as she drew nearer. The man with his red hair smoothed elegantly back out of his face, standing next to her father was holding a glass of champagne in his right hand and looking at her with unmistakeable interest. He was about Armitage’s age, though his dress uniform was as black as all dress uniforms in the Order were, the armband on his left arm told her that he was a mere Lieutenant. What on earth was her father playing at?

            His eyes were fixated on hers and she immediately felt her body tense up at his inquisitive gaze. “Lieutenant Bendar, may I introduce you to my daughter Nataleeh? Nataleeh, this his Lieutenant Meelan Bendar.”

            Bendar? She had never heard the name, but the fact that he introduced her to a Lieutenant, took the edge off things considerably. Yoann Kafr wouldn’t consider setting her up with someone, who, by the looks of it, had no ambition whatsoever. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lieutenant,” she said, holding out her hand for him to take.

            “The pleasure is all mine.” Bendar’s voice was deep, but soft. It seemed to reverberate through her very being. His gloved hand felt almost familiar around hers, and, unlike with Armitage, she didn’t mind the soft kiss he blew on the back of her hand. Almost accidentally his thumb brushed the hem of her see-through sleeve.

            When he let go of her, she kept looking up at the man with that intriguing voice. His lips were thin and they didn’t appear to be smiling often, but somehow she had to force herself to look at her father, when he started speaking again.

            “Lieutenant Bendar has just been transferred to the _Vanquisher_.” Yoann looked smiling from his daughter to Bendar, an officer new to one of the ships his father was commanding. “If I may say so, he shows a lot of promise.”

            Did he? If he was still a Lieutenant at his age, he didn’t appear to show any promise at all. But maybe he had just gotten on the wrong foot with someone he shouldn’t have?

            “Thank you, General.” Bendar wasn’t looking at her anymore, but at her father. Now that Nataleeh thought about it, it was weird that Bendar was here at all. Only a couple of lower ranking officers had been invited to the celebration and as far as she knew, those that were here, had come at personal invitation.

            “Well... I see my wife is anxious for us to dance,” he smiled lightly at Nataleeh, though he hadn’t looked away from either her, or Bendar. “I believe you two have a lot to talk about.” And with that, he left, leaving them standing there together and heading off to find his wife.

            Nataleeh swallowed hard, looking up at Bendar and raising her glass to her lips.

            Bendar’s smile was a bit crooked and she realized that she preferred his face with that expression on it. “To the Emperor,” he said, before she had taken a sip.

            “To the Emperor”, said Nataleeh, returning his toast. After a short silence, she placed her empty glass on a table nearby at which no one was sitting anymore. Most people had either gotten up to dance or stand with friends and colleagues. “So...” she began, facing Bendar again. “Why would my father say that we have a lot to talk about?”

            Bendar seemed to be a little taken aback and for a moment he just stared down at her, his brown eyes showing his confusion. He cleared his throat, seemingly still looking for words.

            “I’m sorry,” she laughed. She couldn’t help herself but laugh. “Was I too frank, Lieutenant?” If only she had another glass of champagne to hold on to. She felt like she had to do something with her hands other than fold them in front of herself, or letting them hang lose at her sides. When he laughed, quietly and softly, she felt relieved and placed her hands behind her back.

            “Yes, to be honest, I rather think you were.” His eyes twinkled and he was still smiling, when he stepped closer to her, placing his glass on the same table on which Nataleeh had put hers. His uniform brushed her arm ever so slightly, and that made her smile widen into a grin. “May I be frank, Miss Kafr?” he asked, taking a step back, and without waiting for an answer, he continued: “I would never have believed a General’s daughter to be this outspoken.”

            Nataleeh raised her eyebrows. “Really?” she asked. “What did you expect a General’s daughter to be?”

            Shaking his head, Bendar turned slightly to look at the officers dancing a few feet away from them. “I’m not sure I should answer that question,” he said. “But I rather think that I was mistaken.” So he was humble enough to admit when he had made wrong assumptions? This was a quality not too many men possessed, as far as Nataleeh was concerned.

            “Well,” she said, stepping closer towards him and following his gaze. She could see her father and mother on the dance floor, and there was Jina, dancing with an officer Nataleeh had never seen before in her life. “I tend to realize when I’m about to cross a line.” Smiling, she looked up at him.

            “Do you?” Slowly he turned his head to look down at her. There was a warmth in his gaze, which made her shiver slightly. She couldn’t remember when she had last been attracted to a man, especially this fast.

            Nataleeh nodded and shrugged. “Usually,” she smiled.

            “Nataleeh?” A familiar voice made her spin around. There he was. Armitage was standing behind her, though he was not looking at her, but at Bendar with a look on his face, which resembled something like disgust. His nose wrinkled, he looked Bendar up and down and his eyes were sparkling with a malice she herself had never seen there. She quickly looked over at Bendar, who had stopped smiling, but kept his face utterly impassive, as if he hadn’t realized Armitage’s apparent dislike.

            “ _Lieutenant_.” The tone of voice in which Armitage said this one word, held all the contempt he could possibly hold against Bendar. “I had no idea you’d be here.”

            “I was invited by General Kafr, Sir.” Bendar did not look directly at Armitage, Nataleeh realized, but at a point somewhere behind the General. His jaw was clenched as if he had to prevent himself from turning around and leaving, with all his might.

            “Is that so?” Armitage looked down at Nataleeh, raising his eyebrow in apparent mockery. “So you have met him already? I was hoping to introduce him to you one day, dear. Did you know that his father-“

“Sorry to disappoint.” Nataleeh felt a sudden twinge of dislike and she felt fury rise up inside of her. What Armitage was doing here was beyond cowardly! Exposing a junior officer without any reason was despicable, especially if it was only done for personal gain. Armitage should be glad that her father hadn’t heard him. She knew that she must have gone pale, because Armitage’s eyes softened somewhat, when he looked into her eyes, but she didn’t care. Whatever it was, that Bendar’s father might have done, she was sure that Bendar did not deserve this treatment from Armitage.

Armitage cleared his throat, and changed the subject. “Would you like to dance?”, he asked and Nataleeh felt the sarcastic smile already on her lips, but she suppressed it as best she could.

“Actually,” she said, “Meelan just asked me for the next dance.” She used the first name on purpose, just to aggravate Armitage even further and it worked. She saw with a certain sense of satisfaction that he narrowed his eyes and looked back at Bendar, who was staring at Nataleeh with a confused expression on his face.

Before either Armitage or Bendar could say anything else, she grabbed Bendar by the arm, pulling him towards the dance floor and leaving Armitage just standing there. She felt his eyes on her the entire time.

“You really didn’t have to do that,” she heard Bendar whisper in her ear, his voice gentle but with an undertone of rising disquiet.

Nataleeh shook her head, dismissing this and with a slight nod, she told him that she was ready. They were standing on the edge of the dance floor now. She saw her parents turning on the spot only a few feet away from them, before joining in with the rest of the dancers in complicated looking formations.

When Bendar did not comply with her invitation right away, she looked up at him with a slight frown. She could still sense Armitage’s eyes on her and she knew that he was judging her as well as Bendar and for the first time in years she was outright furious at Armitage for his judgemental behaviour. She took Bendar’s right hand and placed it on her waist roughly and took hold of the other. As if he had been pulled out of a trance, she felt his grip tighten slightly on her hand and she breathed a sigh of relief as he started moving, leading her onto the dance floor. The music was familiar, and not exactly what she liked to hear in the comfort of her own room, but it was suitable enough for this kind of dancing and therefore perfect for its purpose.

Taking one last look at Armitage, who had turned around and was now walking towards a group of officers with his shoulders squared, she rolled her eyes slightly and looked back up at Bendar, whose eyes were focused on her and her alone.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “Hux can be a bit...” she trailed off, trying desperately to find the words she needed. “Pardon me, but-“

Bendar shrugged. “He’s jealous...”, he said and his grip slackened ever so slightly, as he led her through the dance, stepping lightly on her toes every now and again. She didn’t mind. Not really. His clumsy dancing felt somehow more honest than anything Armitage had said to her all evening. “I’m not sure why, but that’s obvious, isn’t it?” The trace of a smirk was on his lips and it made Nataleeh’s heart flutter.

She laughed, feeling giggly and somehow a whole lot younger than she should. “Well,” she said. “If I were as reliant on my father’s legacy and my success with my new weapon-of-mass-destruction-project, I’d be just as insecure.” She bit down on her lower lip, looking up at him with a sinking feeling in her stomach. Had she said too much after all?

The music was slowly fading away and Bendar came to a standstill, before anyone else did. He was still holding her in his arms and, if she was honest, she didn’t want him to let go immediately. “You know about Starkiller Base?” he whispered in a hushed voice, so no one but her could hear.

Nataleeh nodded slowly. “Well, I’m a General’s daughter, aren’t I?” She raised an eyebrow and she couldn’t help but notice the calculating look on his face. She didn’t mind, however. It told her something about his character, which made her hold him higher in her esteem. So he was ambitious after all, and he realized at this very moment that she could be a key component in his career. On what level remained to be seen. She knew that she should be disgusted by this, but she wasn’t. Not at all. Somehow, with him, she didn’t mind. He had realized that she was clever enough to pick up important things and cunning enough to bring them up at the most opportune moment. Smiling slightly, Nataleeh put her hand on his shoulder. It felt firm under her fingertips. “What do _you_ think of his pet project, then?”

She could see that he wanted to turn his head to look around and check that no one was listening in, but he didn’t. He kept his eyes fixated on hers. She could see that he wanted to answer, but was hesitant to do so. His lips twitched up into a smile, as the music started up again and he drew her closer, so the hem of her dress was brushing over his boots.

“Well,” he said in an almost conspiratorial tone, which could be heard by no one but herself and which made goose bumps appear on her arms, “since he is my superior officer I can’t really say anything against him, especially not to his face, but he has been known to act out of spite more often than anything else.” His eyes were serious, but the faintest blush spread over his cheeks, as he said this. “I’m not sure how well placed a weapon of that calibre is in the hands of a man like that.”

Nataleeh smiled brightly. “I think, I get what my father meant,” she said quietly. They were near the doors leading off to a secluded balcony. The evening breeze brushed gently against her shoulders, but she couldn’t decide whether the shiver running down her spine could be due to the sudden rush of warm night air, or because of the way he was looking at her. With admiration and something she couldn’t quite place. No one had ever looked at her like this. Not with lust, or desire, but something like reverence. Of course her father had always respected, sometimes even valued her opinion, but neither Hux, nor the other man she had been with after him, had ever done so. And she felt like Meelan would.

With a gentle tug at his shoulder, she steered him towards the doors.

The grounds of the secluded Imperial Palace on Tertulli had been kept in perfect condition even after the Emperor’s passing. The Palace had been a retreat for the Emperor, which he had never put into use, though it was rumoured that he had sent his mistress here before the battle of Endor. No one knew what had happened to her, but this Palace on a planet located on the edge of the Unkown Regions, had been the seat of Government to the First Order, when it had been established. Nataleeh looked down towards the well-kept lawn and the labyrinth of Ferrtrees right below them, but she didn’t have eyes for the scenery. Not right now. Meelan’s hands were still on her waist and holding hers. She had barely known him half an hour, but she felt like she had been in his arms for even longer. How could this be? How could someone possibly make her feel this way? Her fingertips were tingling, as she freed her hand out of his and let it slide up his arm. His brown eyes were the only thing she could see and she felt drawn to him, his mere presence, like she had never been her entire life. Nataleeh felt his arm wrap around her waist and her breath caught in her chest. His face was so close now, their lips almost touching. She knew she shouldn’t; was aware that she barely knew him, or his family’s history, but she didn’t care. The only thing she could think of, was how, different he was from Armitage, and how much this stark contrast impressed her and how desperately she wanted to get to know him better, but they didn’t have a lot of time. The celebration would be over soon and then she’d probably never see him again.

She let her fingertips glide over his face, felt the smooth skin and his hair, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. His breath stroked gently over her face, and as he drew ever closer, her eyes fell shut. Did he feel her heart racing in her chest? Did he feel the trembling in her knees, as he gently pressed his lips against hers?

Nataleeh couldn’t help but draw closer to him, press her body against his. To feel more of him, be closer to him, who was holding her so tightly, that she felt like she’d never be able to breathe again. Pushing her hand through the carefully arranged hair, she pulled him even closer. She felt his sigh, more than she heard it and felt her insides clench pleasurably simultaneously. She immediately seized her opportunity, gently caressing his lip with the tip of her tongue and knew immediately that he had only been waiting for this. He returned her kiss with an almost impatient tenderness and she nearly felt like he’d sweep her off her feet there and then.

Footsteps sounding near them broke them apart. Her rapidly beating heart made her face grow hot and she looked up at Meelan, who had let go of her immediately. This was neither the time nor the place for what she had in mind all of a sudden, though she couldn’t take her eyes off him. Not for a second. Not even, when she heard her father’s voice reaching out to her.

“Nataleeh?” There was a certain sense of sternness in his voice and she knew that he disapproved of her stealing away with a man she barely knew. But still. He had introduced them, hadn’t he?

“Yes, father.” She was smiling, though Meelan was not returning her smile. Of course he wasn’t. How could he, in front of her father? With an effort, she turned her head towards her father. “I’ll be with you in a moment.”

Yoann nodded slightly, his eyes on Meelan, who didn’t dare look back at her until her father had stepped back inside. “I didn’t want to cause you any trouble,” he said breathlessly, but she shook her head with a determination that surprised even herself.

“Don’t worry,” she whispered. She knew exactly why her father had come looking for her. He didn’t consider it good form to spend too much time at a party. To him, excessive dancing and consume of alcohol was not appropriate to his position or his family’s. “Meelan...” She said his name still smiling, still tasting the feeling of each sound on her lips and she realized how much she loved saying these two syllables.

His eyes widened in something approximate to shock. Meelan hadn’t expected her saying his first name, she knew. Not right now. It must feel as alien to him as it did to her, but he didn’t complain, and reached towards her face to brush a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.

This couldn’t be over. It just couldn’t. She felt like they had just started and she didn’t even want to think about leaving this place the next day without seeing him ever again. She could still feel his lips on hers, could still taste him. No, leaving him standing here without really finding out where this might lead, was simply impossible.

“Room three-one-zero-four” she said quietly and quickly, registering the look of astonishment on his face. The winkled brow, the eyes wide open and the lips slightly parted. She didn’t care. “The code to the door is one-zero-eight-nine.”

“Nataleeh!”

She heard the threat of outright anger in her father’s voice and knew that he didn’t want his colleagues to perceive his daughter in a way that might injure his reputation. Of course that had been why she had kept her relationship to Armitage secret, but with Meelan she felt more daring. More reckless. “Coming!”

Gently squeezing Meelan’s hand, she let go of him and as she stepped away from him, she felt her knees threatening to give out underneath her. She was smiling at him with a feeling of elatedness engulfing her, though _his_ face revealed nothing. No promise to follow her invitation, but no rejection of her proposal either. Would he come? Would he? If so, then, she felt, he’d pass a test she didn’t know she had set him by giving him the code to her door. She looked him over once more, taking in the handsome man in his impeccable dress uniform and his hair slightly ruffled at the back, the beautiful eyes and the lips she couldn’t wait to kiss again, before she turned around to join her father.

 

She bit back a curse as her fingers fumbled with the two ribbons at her side. Never before had she had trouble with the bow, but tonight, of all nights, she couldn’t keep her hands steady enough. After what felt like hours, she finally managed to tie the ribbons on either side of the garment, though she wasn’t at all satisfied with the result. If he didn’t show up, she might not even have to worry about that, but just tying the ribbons in a lose not, simply wouldn’t do.

            With a sigh, she turned around in front of the mirror one last time. The hair, which had been so carefully arranged in light curls before, was now hanging loosely over her shoulders and she had removed the sparkling stars in her hair as well as the earrings. They would only bother her later on. She was still wearing the dark, see-through stockings she had worn with her dress, but she had changed out of the tight corsage into the black, satiny piece with lace, she had bought shortly after Armitage’s proposal. She didn’t even know why she had bought it, maybe just to feel more attractive and to prove to herself that she didn’t need Armitage to feel desirable. It hadn’t worked. Not for a long time anyway. And now here she was, waiting for a stranger who might never show up. At this very moment, she wasn’t entirely sure that inviting him had been the best idea. What if he talked? What if- no. She stopped her train of thought then and there. She couldn’t afford to think like this. He wouldn’t talk. Wouldn’t he risk his own reputation in the process? But what if he used what she had offered him as leverage against her father?

            Nataleeh shook her head vigorously. Worrying about this was no use. If he showed up, there was nothing she could do to prevent him bragging about his supposed conquest to anyone, or blackmailing her father, so she might as well enjoy it. She had taken the first step and she’d have to face the consequences eventually. Tracing the black bodice covering her stomach and her breasts, she wondered how he would react upon seeing her. He seemed like the kind of man who liked to take things slow.

            As the signal at the door sounded, she felt her insides clench, and she hurried to throw on her robe, before stepping towards the door, which slid open, before she had even reached it. And there he was, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He was staring down at her with an intensity, which made her heart beat hard against her chest. She could see little droplets of sweat on his upper lip and she immediately recognized the tense jaw, the flaming eyes. Gently grabbing his hands, she pulled him closer, unable to stop herself from wanting to be closer to him, just like she had been on that balcony, only that now they didn’t have to worry about being seen. Not, at least, until the door had slid shut behind Meelan.

            Her throat was tight, as she returned his gaze, and saw that his eyes slipped down, past her neck towards her chest. She hadn’t had time to really close the robe and she knew that the knot she had tied around her waist threatened to fall open at any moment.

            “I think I heard steps outside in the corridor,” he whispered, his voice almost rough with something which made her want to throw her arms around him and pull him close. The fact alone that he had come and the almost anxious look on his face was tempting her, more than anything else, to throw her worries over board.

            “No one saw you?” she asked quietly, still holding his hands and gently leading them towards the loose knot of her belt, without taking his eyes off his face for even a second.

            “No...” he said, shaking his head to underline the one word, which took all pressure off her. Of course she had no idea, if he was lying or not, but for now, she brushed the thought aside, as she felt his hands on her waist, his thumbs lightly brushing over the soft fabric of her robe. He was still wearing his gloves, she realized. The gloves and the dress uniform, and for some reason, when she realised this, she felt the tension in her body reach a level, she had only ever experienced on one occasion.

            As he drew ever nearer, his lips gently tracing an invisible line across her forehead, a shudder took hold of her, which only subsided, when his mouth had found hers. His fingers on her waist were strong, she felt like they belonged there. There and so many other places on her body, but her mind seemed to have shut down. Her thoughts, which had raced so wildly only minutes before, had come to a standstill and her fingers grabbed the fabric of his tunic, pulling him ever closer.

            With a greed, she hadn’t felt in years, she returned his kiss, knowing that it wasn’t enough. Kissing him, being this close to him, being held by him like this, wasn’t enough, and for some reason, like a lightning bold striking wood, she realized that it might never be enough. Her trembling fingers moved up to the collar of his tunic, while she let her lips caress the line of his jaw, reaching his neck and revelling in his deep sigh, feeling her knees grow weak.

            His hands moved from her waist to the knot in her robe, untying it with ease, while she fumbled with his collar, desperate to get it off and look at what lay underneath. After barely a few seconds, she felt the belt give way, and before she knew it, his fingertips were tracing the outline of the bodice, stroking her skin with a touch so light, she barely felt it and at the same time enjoyed the sensation of something like fire erupting within her. As her breathing quickened, his hands started pushing the robe from her shoulders and she suddenly felt his tongue brushing against her skin, she gave a barely audible moan of pleasure.

            With her knees buckling underneath her, she disentangled herself from his embrace and took a step backwards, away from him. His face was flushed and she was sure that hers was as well. Smoothing his hair back, his eyes moved down her body, drinking in what he was seeing and he was making her shudder just by looking at her with that fire in his eyes. She slowly let the robe slide down her shoulders, revelling in the look of desperation in his eyes, while the craving deep within her intensified with every breath she took. “Your turn, don’t you think?” A slight smile way playing on her lips, while her eyes were burning from staring at him.

            With a smirk, he raised his eyebrows, obviously fighting for a calm expression on his face and failing miserably. “Very well...” Two words, which sounded like the sealing of a contract, but which felt like so much more.

            Nataleeh watched intently, as he took off his gloves, letting them fall to the floor as though he didn’t care. His brown eyes, their pupils so wide, she felt like she could drown in them, were holding hers. With every second that passed, with every button of his tunic he opened, she felt the tension within her build up. Shortly after, his gloves, his jacket and shirt fell to the floor and Nataleeh had only a moment to take in the muscular chest and arms, the scar on his right arm, before he had lifted her up, his hands holding her firmly in place so she could feel his growing need pressed tightly against her. “Meelan,” she whispered, his name more a caress than a simple address. Tilting her hip slightly, so she could feel him even more, she wrapped her legs around him, while his breath brushed tickling against her skin.

            “Take me to bed,” she sighed, as his hands moved up her legs, holding her buttocks and she felt his fingers stroke against her. She held on to him tightly, one hand on his neck, the other brushing the red hair out of his forehead, so she could focus on his eyes. His eyes, which never let go of hers, as he carried her to the adjoining room and ever so gently putting her down on the mattress, spreading her legs with his body.

 

His breath was soft on her skin, his face so close to hers that she spotted the tiny freckles on his nose she hadn’t noticed before. They could only be seen at this distance and she realized with a smile that they made him look younger, somehow even boyish. It was so stark a contrast with what she had experienced with him mere hours ago, before she had fallen asleep in his arms, that she felt a soft giggle building up in her chest. A glance at the alarm clock showed her that the night was almost over and the very thought made her heart contract painfully. They didn’t have much time left and she realized once more that, after he’d leave her room, she might not see him for a long time, maybe even never again. He wasn’t like Armitage, after all, who was allowed to take personal time off occasionally.

            With her fingertips she gently brushed a stray, wavy strand of red out of his eyes. The hair at the side of his face lay in curls on his cheek. She’d never have expected his hair to look like this, but it explained his severe hairstyle. Officers had strict regulations concerning their appearance after all. His mouth was slightly parted and for a moment she wanted to lean in, taste his lips again and again until he had to leave, but the look on his face was so calm, so relaxed that she couldn’t bring herself to wake him up. Not now, when she could watch him instead.

 

 

            Reaching over to her nightstand, she sat up a bit and took hold of her sketchbook, which she tended to take wherever she went. The graphite pen felt familiar in her right hand, and while she drew black lines on cream coloured paper, looking down on Meelan’s peaceful, sleeping face for reference every now and then, she felt his arm move and wrap itself around her waist, so she could barely move, but she didn’t complain. His face was so intriguing, she felt like she had to draw it, to save it, in order to keep the memory of this moment safe for when she could no longer be close to him.

            To say that she loved him, would have stretched the truth to breaking point, but she couldn’t deny that she felt something, when she was with him, she hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. Being with him was easy, touching him, kissing him, felt like the natural thing to do and she couldn’t explain what had happened these last couple of hours, only say that she wanted it to continue beyond tonight.

            “What are you doing?” Meelan mumbled, shuffling closer to her and placing a kiss on her stomach. With a sigh, she put her sketchbook away. She’d have to finish the drawing later from memory.

            “I hope, I didn’t wake you?” she asked, not answering his question and tracing the outline of his ear with her fingertip.

            He shivered slightly. “No, not really. I tend to get up early.” Of course he did. He had attended the Military Academy, so sleeping in wasn’t part of his nature.

            With a smile Nataleeh combed her fingers through his hair. “When do you have to leave?”, she asked quietly, not really wanting to know the answer.

            Blinking, he opened his eyes to look at the alarm clock. He sighed, almost relieved. “Not yet.”

            Nataleeh lied town next to him again, her hand tracing his jaw. “Can I ask you a question?” she asked quietly, taking his hand and touching her nose to his. She could see how tired he was and knew that she might be asking a bit much of him, though he didn’t complain. On the contrary. He nodded.

            “What?” He leaned in, kissing her gently on the lips and pulling her towards him.

            Smiling brightly, she wrapped her leg around his hip. She could already feel that she was making an impact on him, but that didn’t keep her from asking what she wanted to know. “Why does Hux hate you so much?” She felt like knowing this might tell her more about him, than he could explain about himself in several long hours of polite conversation.

            Meelan stopped moving his lips against her cheek and drew back, his eyes suddenly alert. Staring into her face, he took a moment, before answering and she could see the struggle on his face. His hand brushed over his right arm, over the scar on it, and she understood. The danger he might feel at the thought of speaking openly. “Do you really want to know?” When she nodded, he sighed and rolled over on his back. She put her head on his chest, closing his eyes and enjoying the sensation of his hand holding hers, his thumb gently stroking the back of her hand and the sound of his beating heart.

            He sighed again, and she knew that what would come, could not be easy for him to talk about, but the very thought that he decided to share it with her and the fact that he had to struggle to get the words out, told her everything about him she needed to know at this moment. He was an honest man. A good man.

            “He hates me, mostly because of my brother Morap,” he said quietly and Nataleeh closed her eyes so she could pay more attention to his voice than anything else. “They were classmates and when our father was executed for treason, and Hux teased him about it, my brother broke one of his teeth.” Nataleeh could hear his smirk on his voice and heard the undertone of barely contained pride. “I know, it was a horrible thing to do and stupid at that, but he had the guts to do it and.... well...” She felt him shrug and then his fingers were brushing through her hair. Nataleeh could almost see it in front of her: a furious Armitage Hux teasing someone a lot smaller and less important to the Order and getting his tooth broken by that very same boy, who somehow, in her mind, looked a whole lot like the Meelan, whose sleeping, youngish face she had admired mere moments before. What he had said about his father, somehow didn’t make her as anxious as it should have done, neither did the certain tone of pride in his voice as he recounted his brother smashing one of Armitage’s teeth. “My brother was expelled and -“ He stopped and Nataleeh couldn’t help herself but open her eyes and look up at him. He wasn’t looking at her anymore, but his eyes were fixed unseeing on a spot on the deep purple wall. “My... my mother told everyone that he committed suicide after that and no one bothered to check up on her story... he... he ran away and I never saw him again.” He paused and Nataleeh felt her heart drop. The pain in his eyes was only too obvious, the feeling of betrayal, of loss. He had loved his brother, she realized and that meant that he couldn’t even be angry at him for defying the Order. He missed his brother. This Morap, whoever or wherever he was, was sorely missed, no matter what he had done. “I believe Hux guesses that Morap isn’t dead...” Meelan shook his head slightly and turned his eyes towards her again. The sudden vulnerability in his gaze made her shiver. So that was why Armitage didn’t like, or even trust him. Because he suspected Meelan of being capable of the same treachery as his father or brother. Shaking her head, she shifted her body, so she was lying on top of him, and she drew closer to him. The pained expression on his face shouldn’t be there. His hands moved up her arms, closing around her breasts and causing her to smile brightly. A smile, which he returned and she was glad to see that it was working.

            Before their lips could touch, before she had even closed her eyes, the alarm of her door sounded, signalling a visitor. Meelan’s eyes grew wide, and she saw the realization of what was happening in his eyes, before her mind could even start racing. Quickly, he wrapped the blanket around her naked body, pushing her off him in the process, so he only had one little corner of the blanket left to cover himself as her father walked in through the door, which she could see from the bedroom. Her cheeks grew hot, as all colour drained out of Yoann Kafr’s face. Even his lips grew white as chalk, while his dark brown eyes travelled from her, to Meelan and back again. She could see his hands, balled into fists, tremble and she knew that he was fighting with the words he was trying to hold back. Meelan, next to her, was sitting as upright as possible, looking at her father with as much dignity he could muster.

            Nataleeh swallowed hard, her thoughts racing. This could be the end. The end of everything, and if she had found out one thing this last night, it was that she didn’t want this to end. This wasn’t over yet. She wanted more. Wanted to get to know more about Meelan, be closer to him and... if she thought about it, being with him could make a lot of things a whole lot easier. Before her father, who was standing mere feet from them now in his usual uniform, could make up his mind about what to say, Nataleeh gently nudged Meelan in the side. Meelan’s head snapped around to look at her, with a look of pleading in his eyes. So he wasn’t as composed as he wanted to make her father believe.

            “Father...” she said, when Meelan didn’t make a sound, and looked up at her father, who was shaking all over, apparently desperately fighting for calm. “I believe you have met my fiancé...” The words came across her lips as easily as a wishing him a good morning, though she felt the impact of her words rebound within the room with such force, that she wrapped the blanket more tightly around herself, though her smile didn’t falter for a moment. Yoann was staring at her now, his mouth open now, and she felt Meelan’s eyes trained on her. So this was it. The deciding moment.

            “Lieutenant!” It was more of a bark than anything else.

            “Sir...” Meelan turned his head to look at him. “May I have a word with you? In... private?”

            Yoann snorted, but then turned around, apparently unwilling to look at the scene in front of him any longer. “Two minutes,” he said roughly. “Outside.” He had reached the door with only a few strides.

As soon as the door had closed behind him, Meelan turned around to her, grabbing her chin in his hand and she could see the fury in his eyes. A fury, she hadn’t expected to see there. “ _I_ was going to ask him,” he hissed and the angry flame in his eyes suddenly went out. Her heart beat even faster now. He had wanted to ask her father? Of course he had. She was no fool, knew that he wanted to advance his career, but she also felt that there was something more. Something that told her that he not only wanted her name, but also ... _her._

Before he could say anything else, she leaned forward, kissing him on the mouth and silencing his protest. He gave in after a mere second, wrapping her tightly in his arms and returning her kiss with a ferocity, she hadn’t expected of him.

“This has to be the craziest thing I’ve ever done...” he whispered, before disentangling himself from her and getting up to get dressed.

 

It had taken her parents only six weeks to put together the wedding between her and Meelan. Six weeks in which she hadn’t been allowed to see Meelan once. Six excruciating weeks in which the only thing she had of him was that half-finished sketch and his promise to come back to her.

Why she didn’t have any doubts, why she couldn’t wait for that day to come, she couldn’t say, only that she wanted him. As soon as possible. Of course it might not work out between her and Meelan, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t look forward to getting those ridiculous girls off her back, even if she was marrying a mere Lieutenant. Her mother, who hadn’t been pleased at her father announcing Nataleeh’s engagement to Meelan for that very same reason, at least had absolutely enjoyed organizing the celebration and inviting everyone she and her husband knew, to the wedding. Accordingly, the room in which the celebration took place, the entrance hall to her father’s estate, was full to the brim with people Nataleeh barely knew. But she didn’t care. She didn’t care that everyone was staring at her, admiring the dress made of cream coloured silk and white, sparkling gems, she was wearing. She didn’t care that only a few people here knew Meelan. He was hers now and though she barely knew him, she felt like she needn’t worry about things not working out. The gentle look in his eyes, as they were slowly swaying on the dance floor, the need to kiss him there and then, told her all she needed to know.

            “The necklace suits you...” he whispered, though he didn’t look at the golden piece of jewellery with the highly polished blue gem, she was wearing. He had given it to her as soon as he had arrived on Lehon two days before.

            Nataleeh couldn’t help herself but giggle. “Thank you, again,” she whispered back, glad, when the music ended and she was allowed to stop moving. She loved dancing with him, but she felt like, now that the band had stopped playing, the entire room was staring at them. She gave Meelan’s hand a squeeze and only let go of it reluctantly, as the music started playing again and she felt her father’s eyes on her, while her mother approached Meelan. Meelan’s mother, who had arrived only today, was present as well, but, according to Meelan, didn’t dance. The woman was peculiar in every sense, Nataleeh thought. She wasn’t unfriendly per se, but distant. Unnervingly so. She’d ask him about her later, she thought. They had so much time. So much time to spend together... at least until his leave was over and he had to return to the _Vanquisher._

            Her father was holding her tightly, though it was in no way comparable to the way Meelan had held her before. He was still angry with her, she knew. Not because she had decided on marrying Meelan, he had introduced them after all, but because she had risked his good reputation by inviting Meelan to her room that night. Smiling slightly, she touched her father’s cheek.

“Nataleeh...” he sighed, with an exhausted expression on his face, and looked down at her as other couples streamed onto the dance floor. “I hope you’re happy now...”

            Her smile widened. “I am,” she assured him, putting her hand back on his shoulder and giving it a little squeeze. She looked back over at Meelan, who was talking quietly with her mother, barely moving at all over the dance floor. “He’s a good man.”

            Yoann sighed again. “I know he is... but still I’d never have thought you’d be this reckless.”

            She shrugged. “Only every once in a while.”

            He looked down at her with a raised eyebrow. The music faded into another song, and she let go of her father, after Meelan had caught her eye. “I need to sit down for a moment,” she said quietly and walked over to Meelan, who gently took her hand in his and led her over to their table. “Are you feeling alright?”, he asked quietly, and picked up two glasses of champagne one of the serving droids was carrying, and offering one of them to her, once she had sat down.

            “I’m fine, thank you,” she answered in the same tone.

            Meelan pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, watching the crowd of people dancing in front of them. He raised the glass to her, offering another toast, but before he could speak, she had leaned in, quickly kissing him on the lips. She hadn’t been allowed to do this in what felt like forever and for the first time this day they weren’t under constant supervision. She put down the glass on the table next to her, without taking a sip, smiling to herself and reaching out a hand to stroke his cheek. He was hers. She was his. That was all that mattered. For now anyway.

 


	2. Laughing at Clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was again inspired by a couple of scetches AuroraLynne sent me and things just spun out of control!

The undoubtedly expensive speeder gliding swiftly through the air and gently rushing over treetops was more than Nataleeh would have thought Meelan could afford. That her father would help him get promoted eventually was clear to them both and had been from the start, but that hadn’t happened yet and a Lieutenants salary couldn’t possibly let him afford this vehicle class.

            Only seven weeks had passed since they had announced their engagement and merely three days since their wedding at her father’s estate. The days since then had been spent there as well and had gone by so quickly that Nataleeh still had trouble getting everything together.  Most of the guests, including Meelan’s mother, had left the day after the wedding, but a few had remained for another day at her father’s invitation. Nataleeh couldn’t deny that she had been relieved when Nora Bendar had finally taken her leave and had been more at ease with the other remaining guests afterwards. Nora had been pleasant and polite enough to fill the role expected of her, but that had been all. It wasn’t that Nataleeh missed the woman in her life exactly, after what Meelan had told her about how she had betrayed her husband to the authorities and driven her youngest son into exile. Nataleeh was torn between surprise at the thought that she had married a traitor’s son on the one hand and disgust thinking of the woman who had thrown family loyalty overboard, even for the Order. Of course Nataleeh loved the government she had been raised under, loved what it stood for and what things it had the potential to change in this galaxy. But she doubted whether she herself would be able to give up her loved ones for it. To her there was this one line no one should cross and Nora Bendar had done it, throwing away all consideration for her family’s reputation in the process at the same time. Her devotion to the Order was amiable, but the lengths to which she would go to prove this devotion was highly questionable in Nataleeh’s eyes. Moreover, Nora had also bargained away her son’s chances of really advancing in the First Order’s ranks.

Nataleeh knew exactly why Meelan had shown interest in her at first and why he hadn’t hesitated to accept her hastened and unquestionably sudden proposal. She was a General’s daughter and this connection alone was likely to open doors for him which had been previously closed by his very own mother and father. The apparent mutual attraction between them had been an added bonus to them both. For Nataleeh Meelan had been a welcome excuse to rid herself of the shallow women she had to spend time with at social gatherings and their ridiculous ambitions to find a suitable match or show off which one of them had managed to find the better husband. Meelan was far from a suitable match for her, given that at his age he was still holding the rank of Lieutenant. She had been impressed not by his status however, but at his honesty, which had impressed her far more than anything else, even his obvious ambition. Moreover, she had been desperate to cause some sort of outrage. A scandal that would rid her of the society of women she loathed. At least until Meelan had proven himself and Nataleeh’s father would give him the chance to do just that sooner rather than later. After their honeymoon, he’d be stationed on a different Star Destroyer, where he’d be able to show what he was made of. Nataleeh was sure that he’d do well. She didn’t exactly know him like she knew certain other people, but she had this strange feeling that Meelan Bendar was made of stronger stuff than anyone might have guessed. So far she hadn’t regretted her decision, though in all honesty there hadn’t been much time for her to regret anything yet.

Ahead she could see the trees retreating to make way for an outpost of uniform houses built on the edge of a vast lake sparkling in the midday sun. She sat up in her seat and felt a wide smile spread over her face. “Have you ever been here?”, she asked excitedly and feeling about ten years younger than she was. They were the first words to break the silence in about half an hour.

He threw her a glance, a smile playing on his lips and the fond look in his eyes made a pleasant shiver run down her spine. “No, I haven’t,“ he answered, his deep voice resonating deep within her and at the same time she felt a light stab of pain at his words and her face grew hot all of a sudden. Of course he had never been to Lagheera. It was a place high ranking officers of the First Order usually took their families to spend some recreational time and Nataleeh was fully aware that not a lot of people had the credits available to spend here. At least Meelan didn’t appear to be angry at her for asking this stupid question. She remembered the talk she had overheard between Meelan and her father. About Yoann offering to take over all expenses for this short trip and Meelan refusing to take any money from his father in law even now.

“I’m sorry,” she said, turning her gaze back towards the fast approaching houses. “I should not have asked.”

From the corners of her eyes she saw him shaking his head. “It’s fine. We’re here now and I’m looking forward to you showing me around for a bit.”

The navigation computer made an announcement that it was time to start the descent. Smiling slightly, Nataleeh put a hand on his arm as he steered the vehicle in the direction of a couple of houses set apart from the settlement as a whole. It was the same area, where she had spent some vacations with her mother and father and where she had also met up with Armitage one time a couple of years ago. Back when she had still been enchanted with the rising star of the First Order, before he had become too full of himself. Too focused on his career than anything else. Coming back to this place hadn’t sounded like a very good idea, when her mother had suggested it the day after the wedding, but since no one had known about her relationship with Armitage Hux, it would have been hard to explain her unwillingness to relive that experience with her husband.

Only when Meelan set the speeder down in front of the smaller houses did she realize that she had tensed up at the memory. Staying in the same place where she had spent a couple of days with a man Meelan loathed would have been unbearable, but this house was a lot smaller than the one where she had met up with Armitage back then and she felt her muscles relax as she took in the one storey building with its cosy looking wood panelled exterior and the lush turquoise lawn in front of it.

“It’s perfect,” she declared. And it was. At least from the outside it looked just like the perfect place in which to spend their first week alone as a married couple. This trip hadn’t been planned until a couple of days ago and still Nataleeh couldn’t exactly say that she had expected this moment of being completely alone with him for the first time. Of course she was comfortable around Meelan, more comfortable in fact than she had expected to be. After all, she had only known him a couple of days. In the short time between their wedding ceremony and now, she had been more nervous about this week than she had been about the wedding itself. Here, in this place, they’d be more or less isolated.

As they got out of the speeder, the front door opened immediately and one of the service droids, which were used in almost every house here, came gliding out of it and towards them. Nataleeh stepped next to Meelan and wrapped her arm around his middle. It felt right doing just that. They were on their own now and this was their honeymoon after all. Still she was nervous and she wasn’t looking forward to him finding her being sick in the morning. Up to this point she had been able to keep it more or less quiet. She was sure he suspected, but only the day before had she found time to go and see a medic who had confirmed her suspicions. She was pregnant and it was only too clear who the father of this child must be. She and Meelan really hadn’t wasted any time and by the looks of it wouldn’t have too much of it for themselves. Soon Meelan would be back aboard one of the many Star Destroyers and when he got back she’d already have the baby. Everything would be different after this honeymoon and Nataleeh wasn’t entirely sure whether or not she liked this arrangement. She wanted him for herself for a little longer, but this baby was jeopardizing her getting to know its father properly. Looking up at her husband, she felt her heartrate pick up. She had thrown herself into this situation knowing exactly what might happen, she reminded herself and in her opinion fate could have treated her much worse than it actually had.

“Lieutenant Bendar,” the droid said in a metallic female voice. “Mrs Kafr Bendar, welcome. Please let me take your luggage.”

Meelan nodded and, letting go of Nataleeh walked towards the back of the speeder. Shortly afterwards the droid had started taking out their bags and Meelan had returned to her. “Shall we?”

Nataleeh had expected him to wrap his arm around her, but instead he gently took her hand into his and guided her towards the front door. It wasn’t as cold here as it had been the last time she had been here. Everything looked different than during those couple of days she had stayed here with Armitage. It was windy, but there was no snow dampening the sounds of their steps on the dark green cobblestones as they approached the door. Meelan’s hand around hers was warm and inviting, much like Armitage’s had been, but with him she didn’t feel like rejecting this invitation and pulling away first chance she got. Pushing away all thoughts of her former lover, she entered the house and looked around at the elegant furniture and the luxurious flower arrangement on the dining room table situated right across from the door. There was a relatively big kitchen unit to her left with a bar and several stools, a dark red sofa dominated the living room area and only now did she fully comprehend that this tiny house was located right by the lake. She walked closer towards the window in which direction the sofa was facing to take in the view. The leaves on the trees weren’t purple anymore but instead showed off their most spectacular array of reds and oranges, illuminating the lake in a way she had never seen before.

Breath catching in her chest, she pulled Meelan closer towards him and leaned against him. His arms enveloped her straight away and she felt his warmth spread through every fibre of her being, as they both looked out the window at the lake, its water rippling in the breeze.

“It _is_ beautiful,” he whispered and she shuddered as his breath brushed through her hair.

She looked down at his hands resting on her stomach, which didn’t betray anything yet, and which he wasn’t very likely to touch once she started showing and she’d feel the baby kicking and moving inside of her. He wouldn’t be with her when the baby was born, or during any part of her pregnancy and no one could tell what state the galaxy would be in in a couple of months. The First Order came first. It had always been that way for her and she was grateful to be living in a society which put its own survival first in order to guarantee the prosperity of as many people as possible. If that meant not having her husband by her side for the duration of her pregnancy, then that was the price she had to pay.

Behind them she heard the whirring noise, which indicated that the droid was carrying their luggage inside now, disturbing the silence growing between them in the process.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, sounding almost shy. She shook her head and turned around in his arms. Behind him, she could see the white droid making its way out the front door again, It would be back at the push of a button if needed.

“No, I’m not,” she answered quietly, searching his face for signs of the same nervousness which had taken hold of her. His brown eyes however showed nothing but elation. At what? At being here? With her? At having some time off to spend as he liked?

The corners of his mouth twitched and slowly but surely his lips stretched into a wide smile, which she couldn’t quite place until his hands started sliding up her back and then one of them came to rest over one of her breasts. He was so good at this. So good at claiming what he wanted and not forgetting her in the process. It had been this among other things that had made her want to have him in the first place. Smiling, she returned his gaze, and, as his hand gave her a little squeeze, she hooked her fingers in his uniform’s high collar. His hand gently stroked her cheek and she couldn’t help but notice that his smile had stretched into a grin.

“Shouldn’t you be hungry all the time now?”

Nataleeh gasped, not sure whether he was guessing wildly or trying to get her to tell him, but fairly certain that this one noise had given her away. He shook his head slightly and was apparently lost for words. For once he was silent, just staring down at her with a look in his eyes she had never seen there before.

He wasn’t angry, that much was clear, but he wasn’t pleased exactly either. It showed and she couldn’t even blame him. This had all come too sudden, even if he had suspected it for a few days now. When he let go of her and sat down on the sofa, she kept standing there, just looking down at him, trying to find the words, which could maybe manage to calm him down. He had gone pale and ran a hand over his impeccable hair.

“Meelan…” she whispered and after what seemed like hours managed to pull herself together and sit down next to him.

“How long have _you_ known?” He turned his head to look at her and she was grateful for it. Grateful for the fact that he still wanted to look her in the eye. She hadn’t expected him to start dancing around the room with her exactly. They barely knew each other, but she had thought he’d at least smile at the revelation.

“Yesterday.” Nataleeh shrugged. “But I have suspected for some time now. I just didn’t have confirmation until then.”

Meelan heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t be reacting this way…” But there was something in his eyes, which told her that he was hurt. Hurt by what she had said. Hurt by what had happened and it took her a moment to figure out what that was.

“It is yours, you know…” She almost snapped at him and knew exactly that it sounded more defensive than anything else. But the way he looked at her was hard to bear and she immediately clasped her arms around her middle as if shielding herself and her baby from him.

He was silent for a moment and he averted his eyes. “Yes, I know,” he said quietly, though his voice didn’t betray anything of this so-called knowledge. “Don’t think I don’t trust you, but-“

“I know you can’t trust me at this point,” she said more forcefully than she would have thought herself capable in this situation. “But you should. I am your wife, like it or not.”

The deep hoarse laugh coming from him took her completely by surprise. Taken aback she leaned away from him.

“I do like it actually.” Shaking his head, he turned to look at her again and there it was again. That spark of truth in his eyes. “I rather like you and to be honest I wouldn’t have thought anyone would ever be willing to marry me. Least of all someone like you.”

She felt like she should be offended at his words, but for some strange reason she wasn’t. She wasn’t, because he was telling her exactly how he felt and suddenly she felt like they were back in her bed the night after the ball. Like he had just told her about his brother. “Meelan…” she said again and sliding closer to him again, she wrapped her arms around him. This at least already felt familiar. “ _Someone like me_ is not the kind of girl you thought I’d be.”

He shook his head again. “That’s exactly it…” he murmured, pulling her close again. Whatever he might still be thinking about her and that baby growing inside of her, didn’t seem to make him want to hold back. That was something at least. “Still… why would you want me of all people? I mean… you could have had me once, why would you want to marry me?” His hand was on her knee, slowly making its way up her leg and sliding under the dark woollen skirt she was wearing.

Nataleeh raised her eyebrows. “What makes you think once was enough for me?” she whispered, climbing on his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck. His scent was familiar to her already. Familiar and almost too tempting for her at this very moment. Meelan’s grin didn’t help much either. This was so much easier. Doing this wasn’t as hard as talking was. But talking was essential.  He needed to know, needed to understand that she wasn’t using him to cover up another scandal. He needed to accept that this baby was his. She put her hands on his cheeks and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “I’m sorry if I’m making you doubt this. This or us, or whatever. But you know, that ours is a marriage of convenience. For the both of us. We both knew it from the start.” She didn’t take her eyes off his as these words passed her lips and she was glad to see no outrage or even pretend surprise on his face. “You’re getting a chance to make your own way now thanks to my father and I just love causing a bit of a scandal. We’re both free in a way, except for this little creature here.” Taking his right hand into hers, she put it on her lower belly, just over the place where that tiny heart was beating. His eyes flickered down and she could see that his eyes were wide and his lips slightly parted. “It is ours. I promise you that. And I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t ask me to get rid of it. It’s not convenient for me either, you know and-“

“Get rid of it?!” He sounded incredulous as he stared at her and for the first time there was something like anger in his voice. “Are you crazy, woman?” Shaking his head, he grabbed her by the waist and she allowed him to turn her over so she was lying on her back and he was bending over her.

She giggled involuntarily. “Just willing to provide you with all the options,” she smiled and unable to resist any longer, she reached up, grabbed him by the hair and pulled him closer.

 

She had fallen asleep quickly. During their first night spent together he had awoken to her sitting upright in bed next to him with a sketchbook in her lap and looking as if she hadn’t even bothered to close her eyes.

            This had changed. Now she fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. It had been like this since their wedding and for a while he had hoped that during their first night she had simply been too nervous to fall asleep, but of course that had been a false hope. The very fact that she hadn’t had a single sip of champagne at their wedding should have been confirmation enough, but he had preferred to remain seemingly ignorant and decided to confront her with her suspicions here. The timing had seemed right, but still he hadn’t been entirely prepared for what was coming for him. For both of the.

            She was pregnant. He was going to be a father… No, he hadn’t doubted her. Not really. She seemed genuinely happy with him and he had always been good at spotting a lie. That was exactly why one of his main jobs for the Order was the interrogation of prisoners. He had met a lot of liars in his lifetime but Nataleeh wasn’t one of them. She was still keeping some things from him, that much was certain, but he was sure that with time and more trust she’d let him in.

            Shifting slightly, he readjusted his pillow. They had only been here a couple of hours but it hadn’t taken them too long to end up here in their bedroom. For the duration of the next couple of days he was sure that he’d manage to get accustomed to the idea of not only having a wife, but a family. The information that they were expecting a baby had arrived in his brain, but processing the idea of becoming a father in a couple of months was harder to do. He wasn’t even sure how to be a father. His own had been more than a traitor. A disappointment. So had his brother and his mother and he didn’t even want to think about either, but he couldn’t shake these thoughts, these memories. Even now, after all these years he still didn’t have it in him to blame his mother for what she had done to his father. Aarkis Bendar had gotten what had been coming for him. He had recklessly jeopardized his family’s future by endangering the Order and his mother had acted accordingly. Meelan understood all of this; understood why it had been necessary for her to act, but it made him doubt whether he’d ever be able to duplicate his mother’s actions, because he simply wasn’t as cold as she was and it worried him in a way. Even if Nataleeh and he ever became totally estranged, even grew to loathe each other, he was sure that he’d never be able to betray his child’s mother to the authorities.

It made him feel ashamed. He had devoted all his life to the Order and its ideals, but still he was certain that he’d never be able to do to his child what his own mother had done to his brother. Morap had always had difficulties living up to the Order’s expectations and fitting in and it had become too much for him when their father had been executed for treason. Morap’s suspension from school had been inevitable in retrospect and his mother’s reaction far from appropriate. Back then he had been shocked at her slapping Morap so hard he fell to the ground with full force, breaking his nose in the process. The blood-stained face with those eyes full of desperation and anger had remained with Meelan to this day and he’d be damned if he allowed his son or daughter to experience the same thing.

Looking down at Nataleeh, his wife, her head resting on his shoulder and her breath disturbing the strands of tousled dark brown hair falling into her eyes, caused his insides to clench painfully. He was responsible for her now. For her and their child. Of course he had thought that this might happen eventually, but not so soon. He felt like he was rushing towards a destination he couldn’t see and there was no way he could decelerate in time to avoid a crushing impact. People would talk of course, but that didn’t matter much to him. People had been talking about him and his rotten father, about his cowardly brother, for quite some time now. What mattered to him was that his life had been turned upside down in one single night. In one single night of craziness he had become engaged to a General’s daughter and had fathered a child. After only one night he wasn’t alone anymore.

For the first time in many, many years he wished for someone to talk to. About his life. About how it was changing. About this weird kind of happiness that was making him smile and bringing tears to his eyes at the same time. He was going to be a father and had no idea how to be one. He felt like he needed his brother by his side, or someone like his brother. Someone who was kind and full of energy. Someone who could be there for him. Someone to give him advice, even if it was useless. Someone to tell him that he could do this. But of course Morap wasn’t there anymore. Morap had decided to leave and had preferred running off with their father’s ridiculous droid rather than staying where he was needed.

Meelan had barely ever felt so alone than at this very moment.

He gently disentangled himself from his wife’s embrace, not daring to kiss her brow in case he woke her up and left the bedroom. He only needed a moment. A moment to breathe and sort out his thoughts. Throwing one last look at Nataleeh sleeping soundly in their bed, he closed the door behind him and pulling on the robe he had grabbed from a hanger by the closet, made his way towards the kitchen unit.

Though Nataleeh had claimed that she wasn’t hungry, he was sure that she must be once she woke up. The afternoon was slowly but surely turning into evening and he’d be damned if he let his wife starve.

As quietly as he could he took out the supplies Nataleeh’s mother had made him take along on this trip. There were plenty of vegetables, some meat and some sort of tuber he was more or less familiar with. He didn’t get to cook often, since he spent most of his time on First Order ships and bases, but whenever he got back to the tiny apartment he had called home until this point, before he’d been assigned a new one for him and his family, he had enjoyed preparing his own meals and he was determined to prove to Nataleeh that he was perfectly able to feed her.

Slipping back into the routine of chipping and frying was easy enough, though at first he had some minor problems adjusting the thermostat on the stove. Cooking was a systematic task. He did what he had to do in the right order and soon enough a delicious smell was filling the room and stirring the contents of the pot in front of him, adding broth when needed and keeping the food from sticking to the bottom of the pot, kept him occupied. His stomach gave one angry growl and he wondered whether or not to wake Nataleeh, but before he could decide, he heard their bedroom door open and close.

He turned his head to see her walking towards him, dressed in nothing but a blanket wrapped around her body. She was just brushing the hair out of her eyes, as she walked past the table and then wrapped her arms around his middle. “I really like seeing you out of uniform every once in a while,” she whispered, clasping her hands in front of him.

He could already feel the blanket sliding off her and it was no good pretending that feeling her this close to him had no effect on him whatsoever.

“Well, you could always ask your father to put in a petition to change the First Order’s regulations of its officers having to wear uniform wherever they go in public. I must say this robe is really comfortable,” he answered, stirring the stew simmering in front of him as her hands slowly but determinedly made their way into the robe disturbing his thought process. “Or you could send a message to Supreme Leader Snoke directl- woman!” he gasped, unable to continue speaking as her cool hand started sliding up his member as if it were nothing, providing just the right amount of pressure. Once again she had taken him by surprise and, no longer capable of doing anything else, he gave himself over to her. That was easy. Just leaving everything in her capable hands and allowing her to drown out the rest of the galaxy. The stew forgotten completely, he could think of nothing else but her. Her body pressed against his, the gentle pressure of her breasts, nothing separating them now but one layer of silky fabric between them. Her hair tickling the skin on his neck and his breath catching in his chest as her slender fingers spoiled him to bits.

He was getting close fast. Faster and closer than he’d like to be without having given her the proper attention. Struggling against the urge to simply let her continue, he put his hands on her arms, letting the spoon fall clattering to the floor and demanding her to stop with a single touch. Without any further hesitation, he turned around abruptly and lifting her up, carried her to one of the stools at the counter. Her face was flushed, her hair still unkempt and her whole body as entrancing as ever. Nataleeh’s lips were on his before he had even put her down and she was holding on to him with her arms and legs, urging him to keep going and not waste any more time.

 

After they were done, he tried very hard to catch his breath, clutching her body tightly to his and his forehead pressed against her neck. One of her hands had slid into his hair and he kept his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of her fingers massaging his scalp. No woman had ever been this attentive to him and with no woman had he ever felt so comfortable. He sighed and kissed her neck tasting sweat on her skin.

            “I think something is burning,” she murmured drowsily.

Meelan nodded. He could smell it as well and though he felt like he should be embarrassed, he wasn’t. “Your fault,” he gave back and pressed her even closer to him. Her lips brushed against his forehead and he smiled despite himself. “I’ll make you something else tomorrow.”

Looking up at her, he saw that her cheeks were still flushed and her eyes were almost sparkling. He liked that look on her and he wondered how often he could make her look at him like this before the week was up. Probably not a whole lot, judging by how weak his knees were at this very moment.

“I hope so,” she said smiling and tracing one finger along his jaw. “It smelled wonderful before you let it burn.” Her smile turned into a wicked grin and he couldn’t help but laugh. How in the name of all the stars did he deserve a woman like this one? Him of all people?

“Let’s go out,” he whispered against her lips and kissed her again.

She nodded. “Fine... I still have to show you around and we shouldn’t forget that before we decide not to leave this house at all.” Pushing him away gently, she turned around and walked back towards the bedroom. He still couldn’t keep his eyes off her, especially like this and he was sure that he wouldn’t be fed up with her too soon.

Closing his robe, he followed her into the bedroom and started picking up the pieces of the uniform which they had scattered on the floor on their way from the sofa to the bedroom. As he entered the room, he could already see her putting on underwear. Her tights, skirt and blouse were already lying ready on the unmade bed.

“You really don’t like this uniform?”, he asked sceptically and with a grin, as he started dressing himself, and forcing himself to keep his eyes off her. She needed to eat. Especially in her condition.

Her soft laughter reached his ears and caused a by now familiar warmth to spread through his chest. “I like you fine in uniform, Lieutenant.”

They were both dressed in no time, but as Meelan reached for his overcoat, Nataleeh was already heading for the door without so much as a jacket. “Aren’t you taking your coat?” he asked incredulously. “I’m sure it’s going to rain later on.” He turned his head to look out the window. It didn’t look like rain exactly, but he had bothered to check up on the weather forecast for the next week and not taking a coat didn’t seem like a good idea at all.

“The sun is shining,” she said and stepped outside.

With a sigh, he followed her, his coat over his arm. At least she was wearing boots, he thought. He didn’t bother providing another comment. She was a grown woman and if she wanted to get wet and freeze, then that was her business, not his… except that it was… she was carrying his child after all. The realization hit him hard, as she wrapped her arm around his waist and started guiding him towards the town centre, past houses much like the one they had just left. He put his free arm around her shoulders, determined to keep her as warm as possible.

“Are you sure, you’re not cold?” he asked. The way into town and its restaurants wasn’t a long one, he knew, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t feel the chill creeping up on them from the lake with its icy water. Up over them he could already see clouds drawing in on them and he only barely suppressed a sigh as he felt the first droplets of water hit his face.

“I’m fine…” she said, pointing at something to their right. “You see that place? There’s a very nice restaurant in there maybe we can go in there?”

Shaking his head and sighing despite himself, he took the coat he was carrying over his left arm and made to hold it over her head. She looked up at him in surprise, raindrops already sliding down her forehead. “Let’s go there,” he said, “but quick.”

She laughed and pulled him closer. He didn’t even have a chance of telling her off and he felt like she’d never ever give him the opportunity to do so. Before he knew it, he was holding his coat over the both of them, their lips locked in a kiss he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to break.

**Author's Note:**

> There is a lot more Bendar stuff on its way. I promise! :-D What do you think? Do you even want more Bendar stuff??


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